6w5d

Warning: this is going to be a loooooooooong, ranting blog about my feelings (read: probably boring for you)

The last couple of days have been such a whirlwind of emotions. I never knew I could be such a crybaby, lol. I can be perfectly fine one minute and sobbing the next. The thought of knowing our little Sprout could be fine one minute and gone the next terrifies me to my core. I never knew there were so many things a person could worry about....and none of them are within my control. It's no secret that I am a total control freak (I hear some of you laughing right now - not cool!)

Yesterday I stayed home and laid on the couch with my feet up all day - the only times I got up were to go to the bathroom. There was no blood all day and it was very encouraging, yet at the same time worrisome thinking about whether or not it would come back. This morning I got up for work (sigh...not what I wanted to do but I guess I can't stay home forever) and packed my lunch....and felt that telltale feeling. This time it was only a small spot of brown blood, which I'm trying to take as encouragement because that means it's not fresh. It's probably just left over from Tuesday and it hasn't had a chance to "escape" because I haven't been on my feet long enough....I don't know. Still, it took all of yesterday's encouragement and threw it out the window. I had that panicky feeling again and all I've done all morning is stress about it. I know stress is bad for me and for the baby and I'm TRYING not to, but there are just so many things that can happen at ANY point in the next 7 months that it's really overwhelming to think about.

I love this job, I really do, but this is just not where I wanted to be today. I feel "safer" at home and with Jay( even though he's sleeping, lol) and I just want to be in my own environment....but I also want to be able to pay our bills, so I went back today. They have been SUPER understanding and flexible with me the last couple of weeks, with the appointments I've had and the time off I've needed. It's definitely a God-thing that I am with them right now - I would never have been allowed to do this with my previous job, nor would I have the opportunity to lay on the couch with my feet up at that job. I can do that here and that's what I've done all morning (baby is napping).

Right now I feel better...encouraged again. Like I said before, there are so many emotions that run through you every millisecond of the day. I never understood that when women talked about it - how in the world can you be so emotional ALL the time?! But you ARE - every second of every day is filled with thoughts of "wow, I cant wait to do such-and-such with the baby" and before that thought is even finished it changes to "stop thinking that way - you're going to be super devastated if this doesnt turn out the way you want it to."

I am very much an OCD person - I know this is not a secret to most of you, and my OCD has gotten a lot worse over the last year or so. It has shaped my thinking in a lot of aspects and turned me into a person who thinks that if I just assume the worst is going to happen, it wont hurt as bad when it does. If I assume the best is going to come out of every situation and the worst actually happens, I'm devastated and it's a huge emotional blow.....maybe our family medical situations have brought me to that point, I don't know. Someone asked me once why my thinking has changed over the years to this level, and that's all I could come up with. So many times I've wondered if those happenings are what's changed my thinking....I may never know.

I digressed a little there - what I was getting at was, I feel like if I just assume the worst will happen, it wont hurt so much if it does. I do understand that's fatalistic thinking...it's just how my mind works most of the time.

I know this is all rambling but I feel better when I can get my thoughts out and that's what this blog is for. It might get super personal at times but when I can write my feelings in their entirety, it makes for a much happier me. =)

So....keep praying for us, friends. There is a LONG road ahead and I'm trying to be positive about it. There are so many factors and I could just be one of those women that bleeds once in awhile when she's pregnant and it might be nothing. That's the thought I keep trying to remember...I have to trust that God is in control and He knows the desires of my heart (and now I'm crying again lol). Several people have told me they believe this pregnancy is totally fine and that it will all be okay, and I want to believe you, I DO - but when you're not the one going through the minute-by-minute emotions, it's hard to explain how I feel about it. That probably doesn't make much sense.

I think I would feel a lot better if I could see it on ultrasound again - just to be able to see with my own eyes that there is a growing baby with a heartbeat in that empty sac that we saw last time, and know that everything is on track. They say the chance of miscarriage goes down a lot once you see a heartbeat....I don't know how true that is. Two people told me yesterday they had miscarriages in the 2nd trimester...not exactly reassuring. One of my biggest fears is going in for that ultrasound only to see the same empty sac we saw two weeks ago when this all started....and knowing once and for awhile this pregnancy will not last. Again, I know that's fatalistic thinking. I just want to KNOW one way or another. We still have 8 entire days until that ultrasound and it seems like such a lifetime away.