22w4d

I've come to the conclusion this pregnancy is not ever going to be fun nor particularly enjoyable. It has been one emotional rollercoaster after another and one scare after another, and nobody really seems to have any answers.

Perhaps this is God's way of constantly tapping me on the shoulder and saying, "PAY ATTENTION TO ME!" and slowly I'm learning to. My biggest want as a little girl was to be married and have a baby one day and sometimes it's so hard to believe we're this close to that dream and still I doubt Him. I have no reason to - He's been more than faithful to us for years and even though this was a much longer road that I thought it would be, I look back and realize what perfect timing He keeps...if we had gotten pregnant when we first started trying two years ago, there is no way I would be able to 1) be at home right now on bedrest, or 2) be able to stay home for ANY length of time once she's born. I don't know how long we'll be able to make that second part work, but for now that's what we plan on doing and we'll make it work as long as financially possible. It gets sticky every month but somehow we're getting by.

Monday night the drama started again - in hindsight, it probably wasn't as big a deal as the last (and especially the first!) times were, but blood will forever freak me out until this little girl is born safely. I had gone almost a week with nothing, not even any real spotting, and to see red again sent me into another panic attack. He talked me down (bless his heart) and suggested we call the on-call dr (again) to ask if they thought we should come in, and we were lucky it was the dr we like so much. I explained all of the weird cramping and back pains I'd had all afternoon and the way the blood looked, etc, and she said she didn't think it warranted coming in unless it got worse. One of the things I love about her is that she NEVER makes you feel stupid for calling and is always encouraging - she said even if it's for your peace of mind to go in, it's always better than just waiting around wondering. We decided to wait it out and call in the morning to change our appt from Wednesday to Tuesday. While it did get a little heavier overnight, the pains were gone and I just watched the clock until 8:30am. They agreed to work us in on Tuesday morning for an ultrasound (yay!) and a visit with said dr. We only waited about 45 minutes to be seen, and it's a good thing I was feeling a little better emotionally b/c that ultrasound tech had the personality of a brick and no amount of trying to carry on a conversation with her was successful. She didn't say anything as she was doing the ultrasound and I had to rely on Jay to even tell me if he could see Sprout's heart beating or anything like that....tech didn't say a word. (For all future techs, this is a MUST: do NOT just sit in silence when you have parents that are seriously stressed out about their baby's wellbeing.....say something. Anything. Even if it's just a word or two about what you're looking at.)

In the end, she never saw any reason for the bleeding. No old blood, no new blood, no SCH, no placental tear, nothing wrong with Sprout or the cervix or anything. While that is really great news, I HATE not knowing where this is coming from. It's so confusing but I guess it's not meant for me to understand.

We met with the dr afterward and she was so great about it all - she did say she doubts this will go to a full-term pregnancy with the issues we've already had, but she was quick to say that doesn't necessarily mean Sprout is going to be born next week or anything like that....God forbid. The only bad news of the day is that this last bleed now classifies as officially high-risk to the point that Greer can no longer keep us. We are being transferred to Greenville High Risk Clinic....I specifically asked if that was Greenville OB, as the very last thing on this planet that I EVER want is to be in labor and see Dr. B walk into the room. If that's what it took to have Sprout born safely, I'll suck it up and keep my mouth shut, but I would be so unhappy after the awful history with him this year. Anyway, she never clarified if it was the same office, but I have a sinking suspicion it is. Good news is there are 7 other drs in that clinic and hopefully I won't have to deal with the one I dislike so much. She said if this were her baby, this is what she would want - and if we do end up having another issue or something that would cause Sprout to come early or I would need to be hospitalized to keep her in longer, Greenville Memorial is the place I need to be. I wholeheartedly agree, but I'm very sad to lose her. She is a great dr and we fell in love with her after one visit.

So for now....continued bedrest. I am allowed to travel to my parents' house on days that Jay works long shifts if I don't want to be alone, and I could probably do more than my mom and hubby allow me to do, but I try not to. I can tell when I've been on my feet too long - the pressure gets really strong and I get tired easily. My so-very-awesome-in-every-way momma brought me a table-top fan last night and I have not turned it off one time. I keep it blowing on me while I'm in the recliner and I take it with me to bed at night to put on my nightstand. For those of you who know me, I am extremely hot-natured and get hot very easily - being pregnant in the summer certainly does not help that. :)

I have the best support system I could ever ask for. My mom is more than willing to spend the night over here when I just need company while Jay is gone. Jay is doing more than any hubby should ever have to do - he's taken over everything household-wise and I know he hates it, but he does it without one complaint and fusses at me when I try to do it. He's still working a night job he hates and who does not appreciate him, and he is desperate to get out of there and find something else, but there's just nothing to be found that pays more than peanuts. We keep telling ourselves one day we're going to be ahead....one day we're not going to have to struggle to keep $5 in our bank account.....one day. =)