Keeping Busy

This afternoon has been one full of tears. Not from Ruthie, but from me. The reality of tomorrow has hit me hard.

It all started when UPS dropped off her new extension tubes to attach to the new g-tube......I cried when I opened the box. My baby is getting a hole in her tummy. Surgery. Pain medicines. A scar. They're going to want me to hand her over to a complete stranger in front of an OR room that I can't go into. I can't see her, can't be with her, can't be right there to comfort her when she wakes up in a room full of strangers in a place she doesn't know. I can't cuddle her close b/c she'll have an incision that I'm sure will be very sore.

I'm so afraid she's going to feel abandoned. I know it's probably irrational feelings, but it's still my feelings and nothing seems to change it. I feel overall......defeated. I saw that word on a friend's blog once about this same topic and swore I wouldn't let myself feel that way if I were in that scenario, but there is no stopping it. No matter how hard we tried, it wasn't enough and now she has to go through anesthesia, surgery, painkillers, recovery, and a whole new way of living.

You'd think you would run out of tears after four hours straight, but....you don't. I've tried to keep myself busy while she naps this afternoon. I've cleaned out the pantry, the fridge, thrown away made a huge bag for Goodwill of all the junk things we don't use in the guest room. We have way too many unnecessary things to store in such a small house. I've cleaned off the kitchen counters (much-needed) and rearranged a few things to fit a little better. I have the windows open and am enjoying the nice weather.

I guess distractions can only last so long. I know it's not that big of a deal, but it is to me.

Here's my new favorite picture - taken yesterday: