The Journey to Ruthie: Some random updates

This post will probably be pretty random, but then again, most of mine are, right? :)

I am so thankful that I'm feeling better today. Ruthie is (finally) getting her first Synagis injection this afternoon, after three months of battling the pulmonologist's office about her need for it. Long story. I was so afraid I would not be able to take her and be there for her while she gets that painful shot or be there to snuggle her afterward. I woke up feeling MUCH better this morning and have continued to down the Zicam like nobody's business. Please pray for her at 3:30 - it's a great opportunity since she really needs this vaccination, but I hate that it's going to be so rough on her.

What a week it's been for Ruthie! Her first solid (rice cereal on 12/31/11) laugh (1/4/12) and her first time rolling from belly-to-back (1/5/12)!! She's smiling a lot at me (and occasionally Daddy, lol) but she's pretty reserved about anyone getting to see that precious little smile. She's learning to babble and will try so hard to make cooing sounds...they usually come out in a grunt, lol - but she's really trying! She's getting a lot more suspicious of strangers, as was evidenced in the eye dr's office on Tuesday morning. One of the nurses came to put drops in her eyes and was trying to talk to her beforehand. Ruthie looked at the nurse, looked at me, then back at the nurse and burst into tears. lol

I realized this past week just how much I've relaxed since bringing Ruthie home 10 weeks ago. I watched her every breath, waiting to see if it would suddenly stop or change drastically...I monitored every single movement she made and wrote down everything. Fast forward two months....I still write down the vital things (milk intake, naps, diapers, etc) but I can now put her on the play-mat and leave her there (while I'm in the room, of course!) and she will entertain herself for 10-15 minutes. I don't stress out over every cry and worry about whether or not she's doing the exact same thing she did yesterday.

I made a New Year's resolution to be more accepting and understanding and patient with people and not be so negative all the time. Nine times out of ten, I say "negative" things to be sarcastic, b/c it usually make someone laugh, but it doesn't always come across that way. I'm honestly missing it a lot - I feel like I can't be myself anymore....maybe I just haven't to make a new self, I don't know. I'm working on it.

I'm also trying to let go of things that bother me. Jay always tells me to "let it go" and that it's not a big deal, but sometimes it just IS. Everyone has things that are a big deal to them that may not matter to anyone else. Seems like the only way to make peace with that (for everyone around me) is just to not say what I'm thinking/feeling - hence the feeling that I can't be myself anymore. Time for a new self!

I've been reading a lot of posts on BabyCenter, and this next topic seems to be a popular conversation there. There is an obvious group "separation" on the preemie board between the the mothers of preemies and the mothers of MICROpreemies. Sometimes I feel that (some) people do not understand that there is a VAST difference between a 35-week preemie and a 24-week preemie. While being five weeks early does classify a baby as a preemie, but that baby is not going to face nearly the issues that a micro-preemie will. Moreover, a late-term preemie will catch up a lot sooner and most likely will not have lasting effects of their prematurity. I know each baby has their own set of struggles and even term babies have similar struggles, but having a micropreemie puts you in a league all your own. For one thing, we never truly know exactly how old our baby is. Yes, she had a specified due date, but what if she had been born 2 weeks early or 2 weeks late? Am I calling her 8 weeks adjusted right now when really she may have been 6 or 10? How do I know when she really *should* be achieving specific milestones? For example, she's already cutting 5 teeth - 2 have come through and 3 are in progress. For her ACTUAL age, this would be normal, but she is developmentally not five months old, she's barely two months old. Two months is early to cut teeth (actually CUT them). It's hard to know if an issue she has a related to her prematurity or just a run-of-the-mill-this-is-what-my-baby-has-to-work-through issue....and a lot of the time, the answer is different if it's a prematurity issue. Most of the time it's a guessing game, but I'm learning that motherhood in general seems to be a guessing game. Is she uncomfortable? Is it teeth? Hot/cold? Hungry? Tired? Who knows....you just do what you have to do to make her happy and comfortable.

Still no news on Jay's going to days at Cryovac.....I'm still so hopeful (okay, okay - desperate!) to have him here on a "normal" basis. Keep praying!

And now the best part - PICTURES!!