I've had enough

Warning: this post will be a venting/whining/complaining session and is more for my own "get it out and get over it" than for viewer reading. But knock yourself out if you feel the need to read.

It was brought to my attention recently that I am too sensitive about things, so I've been working REALLY hard lately at not taking things so personally. I tend to hear what's said underneath the words, or maybe I just think I'm hearing it; I don't know. I've been trying to swallow my thoughts and comments when they arise, and in the end.....it's been making me feel even worse. It's probably nice for everyone around me though, to have a slightly more pleasant Gina. I've been trying not to get my feelings hurt over little things (or things that are little to everyone else but are big to me) and in the end, all it's done is make me feel like I can't be myself anymore. I have to keep my mouth shut because what I might say in sarcasm (meant well, just to be funny) is taken as meanness or unappreciation. Or my opinions aren't worth voicing - I should just keep quiet so people don't think I'm ungrateful or bitchy. It's making me miserable.

Ever have days where you feel useless? I'm having one of those days/weeks/months.....no matter what I do, it's never good enough. I'm busting my butt to try to get done what has to be done and I just can't do it. The to-do list is piling up and I'm beyond overwhelmed. I'm trying so hard to make everyone happy and I feel like all I'm doing is failing one thing after another. I make dinner.....it sucks or it's just "okay." I used to make great dinners and now I can't and I don't know what happened. I try to make new things so dinner isn't monotonous, but in the end, it's just "okay." I don't even feel like making dinner but we have to eat eventually.

Our house is a mess, we have company coming in this weekend and I don't have the energy to do what needs to be done - the guest room is covered in stuff that I have to find a place for.....but we don't have any more space to put anything. This house is falling apart - the bathroom wall is going to cave in (literally, it seems) any day now, and it's the only functioning bathroom we have left, as the master bath has a hole in the tub and has been useless for 2 years. The kitchen floor is pulling up all over the place. It will never get fixed because we never have any money to fix it. We're lucky to have two nickels to rub together at the end of every week, and when will that ever change? It won't. There will always be some unforeseen bill or something will come up and this is the way it's going to be forever.

I need to vacuum and sweep and mop and dust and do laundry and change the sheets and clean the table and make meals and a hundred thousand other things that I don't have time or energy to do. I'm exhausted and no matter what I do or what I try to put my heart into doing for my family, it never turns out right and I feel like a giant failure. I can't make anyone happy, no matter how hard I try. I know a lot of is just being so tired, but other people are just as tired and they seem to have a functioning household, so why can't I? I want to be that person I used to be - who could cook great meals and clean the house to perfection and have everything done on a schedule and looking nice and still have a little energy at the end of the day.

I'm tired of looking the way I look. I had every intention of hitting that Wii as soon as I could after Ruthie was born....but I haven't. I don't have the time or the energy to even get it out - when I get home in the afternoons, I have a couple of hours before I go back up to the hospital and I usually spend them making a dinner that's going to suck anyway or cleaning up a mess that's going to reappear as soon I walk in the door at night. I'm tired of putting the covers back on the couch and the recliner and picking up stuff that falls on the floor and stuff that's been chewed up or dragged out or not been put back. The fridge needs to be cleaned out - old stuff thrown away and shelves scrubbed. Don't have time for that nor do I feel like starting it. The cabinets in the kitchen are loose and probably going to come off the hinges soon. The yard is a mess and Stinky is driving me bonkers with his constant yipping in my face every time I pull into the driveway. The beagles stink. Baylee and Gavin drag out trash and shred it in the living room. They also have this uncanny ability to scratch the crap out of your bare feet every single time they run in/out of the door.

I'm tired of pumping. I wish we could know for sure if Ruthie was going to nurse, and if not, I'd quit pumping right now. I just want to sleep through the night....I tried it for a few days and, while it was heavenly, my supply dropped super low, so it won't work. I have to get up at night.

And in saying all of this, I feel so guilty because we have SO much to be thankful for. We have a baby who was never supposed to be here. A baby who has made it through nearly 70 days in the NICU virtually unscathed. A baby who is sooooooo tantalizingly close to coming home that it's driving me nuts. We have shelter, food, family, and friends. We truly are blessed.....I wish I didn't let the "dailies" of life get me down....but I do. I'm human and I'm tired of never getting anywhere.