January 10, 2010

I really didn't think TTC was going to be such an.....emotional....rollercoaster. Not emotional like all I do is cry all day, nothing like that. It just has so many thoughts/emotions/feelings attached to it. Nothing I can really get into w/o it being TMI.....just lots of thoughts and questions. I didnt think seeing a negative last month was going to be as discouraging as it was and the thought of seeing another negative about calculating SO carefully this month just makes me WANT to cry. I can't imagine what it would be like to go through such calculations month after month, year after year, for people who can't conceive. I think about what will happen if we can't......we certainly couldn't afford fertility aid. What if we have serious trouble getting there? What if we do get pregnant and lose it? I never really understood the emotion that went behind a miscarriage until we decided to start TTC....how difficult and emotional will it be to put forth so much of yourself into something, only to have it taken away and having to start all over?

I'm not looking for answers or even sympathy to these questions; I'm just stating how I feel. The last couple of days have really made me think about these things. We both are so very ready to have a baby and we've already started to clear out the third bedroom and start making arrangements to get the carpeting redone, paint, decide where baby furniture will go, etc. In December we made a baby registry at Babies R Us and Walmart.....we're just ready. =)

I can take the first PG test on my birthday.....it would be the most perfect and wonderful gift to see a positive sign on it, and yet at the same time I'm terrified to take it that day for fear of not getting that sign.

We're both praying fervently about everything surrounding this decision, and we know that God is always in control and His timing is always perfect. Yet knowing and letting it be are two different subjects.

=)