33w6d

I can't believe tomorrow is 34 weeks. This seemed like such a pipe-dream 31 weeks ago when we first found out at 3 weeks. (Yes, early, but with fertility babies you know every single thing that's going on so you can test a lot sooner.) 

Three weeks from tomorrow we'll finally be meeting Levi.....that is slowly starting to sink in for me. I was talking to a friend today about how.....weird....this feels. Everything we went through with Ruthie, from being discharged without her to visiting every day/all day, to pumping around the clock, to knowing medications and medical terms you never wanted to know, etc.....was the norm for us. And since she was our first, she set the bar for what was normal parenting for us. I know it WASN'T the norm, but since that's all I know, this third trimester/planning for a birth/packing a suitcase thing is really strange. Good strange, but still strange.

Sometimes I look at Ruthie and I can't imagine what it will be like to have another little person to take care of and love on....it's been just the three of us for four years and it's hard to fathom anything different. She is so excited to be a big sister and I hope she will always be that excited. She's never been the jealous type but I'm so afraid she's going to feel left out or worse....replaced. I never want her to feel that way. I hate the thought of having to be away from her for so many days once he's born.

Our section is scheduled for first thing in the morning. Barring any emergencies, we should have a baby in our arms by 9am or so. Ruthie is going to be the first and only person allowed in the room once we're cleared for visitors - we want to have as much family time as she can tolerate. I'm very excited to see her face when she finally gets to see her little brother that she's talked about for so long. Sometimes I feel like she thinks this is how it's going to go - that he'll just be in my tummy forever and there won't be any kind of adjustment period of crying, sleepless babyhood.

I'm not nervous about the section at all, at least not at the moment. I've known from day one it would have to be a c-section, and I've always been okay with that. I hear so many women talking about how deprived they feel/felt, how much they resented not having a "normal" birth....I don't feel that way. I think the way Ruthie's birth went has changed my feelings about so many things. I remember telling the RE after my myomectomy that if he could just get me full-term, I truly didn't care where they took this baby from. I AM slightly worried about having a panic attack on the table once I can't move. I've had several panic attacks this pregnancy due to my claustrophobia and I don't want to end up hysterical and being knocked out and missing yet another monumental moment in our family. (I remember virtually nothing of the night Ruthie was born - I was so ridiculously drugged up.) 

Other than that, I can't WAIT for September 9th! I've already asked the OB twice about being able to watch him be born and getting to hold him right away. Our OB is so wonderful - they offer "gentle c-sections" whenever possible - meaning the minute he's born he gets handed to one of us. I want that. We missed out on so much with Ruthie's and I want to experience every bit of normal that we can.

We look forward to having visitors and letting people meet Levi. I may not let go of my baby as I'm not a fan of passing around newborns, but....humor me. I'm a germaphobe now after having spent several months in the NICU.

The countdown is on......20 days to go.....