Tears, drama, and the cutest little girl in the world!

As I write this, Ruthie has been crying for almost two hours. She is EXHAUSTED and refuses to give it up. We gave her a bath at 6:30 and she got worked up during that and hasn't stopped for more than two minutes since. I've tried rocking her and she's fine....until I put her down. I am NOT getting into a cycle of "she cries, I hold her all day." I've seen that done too many times to count and everyone suffers for it. She has to learn to self-soothe, but at the same time, I worry b/c I don't know what her "oxygen reserve" is since she was so preemie and had/has lung disease. I do not have a problem letting her cry for a few minutes but she has been screaming uncontrollably. Did not want Daddy at all - only Mommy.....and now Mommy is having anxiety attacks that she will never get to sleep again. I keep trying to remind myself that eventually Ruthie HAS to sleep....right?

Yesterday we started Zantac for her reflux. She gets 1/2ml 2x/day. It has not kicked in yet. I was hoping it would do something for the amount of spitting up she does. No matter how much or how little we feed her, she pukes after every bottle. She's supposed to be getting 450mls/day but she will only take 60-65mls per feeding. To reach her goal, she would have to eat 8x/day and she's doing so well sleeping 5hrs at night that I don't want to have to go back to a middle-of-the-night feeding. She eats every 3 hours during the day and there's no way I could push her to eat more often - a lot of the time she's not even completely ready at 3 hrs. My ultimate fear is that she will start losing weight. I felt so comfortable taking care of other people's babies but now I feel like I've never dealt with a baby before. A preemie is just so different.

I live in fear of her getting sick. I find myself freaking out over any different breathing pattern, possible stuffiness or strange crankiness, and if anything seems just the slightest bit "off." My anxiety takes over and I go to the worst possible outcome. I feel like I'll breathe so much easier when RSV season is over....but I know I won't. :)

We've been home for almost three weeks now. Our days consist of feedings, diaper changes, and naps. We have at least one or two dr appts every week - the pediatrician, the eye dr, the pulmonologist, and most recently, BabyNet. Ruthie will be getting an early interventionist to help her in the areas she will need "catching up" on, though we don't know yet what those will be - only time will tell. I will be SO glad when she no longer has to see the eye dr every week. He saw her weekly in the NICU and it was so traumatic for all involved (except for him...sometimes I don't think he has feelings.) Now she goes to his office and it's even more traumatic - she screams during the whole thing and it's so disgusting how they have to check her retinas. As of her last report, her right eye looks great and her left is still a little immature, but he's hoping her ROP will resolve itself soon and she will only need to be seen monthly.

She had her first visit to the pulmonologist (lung dr) on Thursday. She was supposed to be getting her first Synagis vaccination (to lessen the effects of RSV, should she get it), but we got there only to be told the vaccinations weren't in yet. Grr. So we just met with the NP and are awaiting a call when the medicine is in....then we'll go back to the waiting room full of croupy children, where I hide my tiny 6lb baby in the carrier on my chest and shoot threatening looks at anyone who gets too close to her. :) True story.

Home quarantine is going pretty well so far. I'm not going nuts to get out of the house just yet. Despite her evening crankiness, I really do love being at home with her. I love the freedom of doing our own thing as we want. I wish the weather was nicer so I could take her for walks (in the aforementioned carrier) but I don't see that happening until spring. She has only had one set of visitors aside from my parents, and I really feel sad that we can't show her off like "normal" parents get to do with a term baby. There are so many things I feel cheated on with this whole preemie/NICU experience, but that's another post for another sleepless night.

All in all, she really is a good baby. She's starting to have a couple of awake times during the afternoon/evening (before the witching hour begins) where she enjoys being in her swing or her bouncy seat. She's starting to notice toys when I put her up on her Boppy pillow on her playmat, but she doesn't reach for them yet. She's really curious about her surroundings and will look all around the room for a long time. No social smiles yet, but she does smile a lot in her sleep (thanks, gas bubbles!) Speaking ofs she is VERY gassy. She won't burp willingly but she sure can stink up a room with her little cute self. :)

Those are all the updates I can think of for now. We are in the process of getting pictures done this week for our Christmas card - my brother and his wife do amazing photography and I hope to get some pics of Ruthie in her Christmas dress (that will probably swallow her whole) to send out with our Christmas letter. If you would like to be on the mailing list for that letter/photo, please email me your address at miller10408@yahoo.com or Facebook me. I hope to send them out the second week of December.

She is asleep. Finally.